Newswire: The hottest new movie-theater gimmick is to let kids climb all over the seats

Every time a new technology comes around and transforms the way people consume media, movie theater owners freak the fuck out and start adding “premium” gimmicks to make it worth customers’ while to leave the house again. (See: The 3-D trend of the 1950s, the 3-D trend of the early 2000s.) And rightfully so, because while there are always going to be people who argue that you’ve never really seen Sátántangó unless you’ve sat through the whole thing in one ass-numbing seven-hour go in a dingy storefront theater, there are also always going to be people who don’t bother to look up what’s playing before they go to the movies.

That latter category are the people who stay away from movie theaters when presented with a more convenient option, whether it be TV in the ‘50s or streaming services in the 2010s. And if they have …

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