Newswire: Science says it’s harder for ’90s kids to lose weight, because science is an asshole

As the years go by, the body slows down. This is a sad but incontrovertible fact of life. Your organs decay, and the brutal ravages of time weather your once-fair face and body, reducing you to a grimly plodding hominid on a treadmill, trying to lose weight and keep fit in order to stave off the inevitable decrepitude and death. You sweat and toil as Katy Perry’s “Roar” echoes through the gym’s speakers for the 20th time, and you swear vengeance on the scumbag who changed the big television in front of you to CNN Headline News instead of that rerun of Supernatural. (And it was one of the good episodes, too.) But at least you can rest secure in the knowledge that we all go through equally, except for the 1 percenters who can afford human growth hormone and will probably still be running Tough Mudders long …

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