Newswire: Russia takes responsibility for hacks by granting Steven Seagal citizenship

Continuing its open courting of Mexican immigrant-hating, jingoistic simpletons who flirted with movie appearances in the early ’90s before settling into an august bloat of reality TV stardom, treating women like sex toys, slapping their name on cheap shit, and thoroughly misguided political ambition, Russia has granted Steven Seagal citizenship, the Kremlin announced. It’s the culmination of a long mutual flirtation between the two warily regarded sovereignties, with Seagal having been a friend and open admirer of Vladimir Putin’s ever since the two bonded over their love of martial arts and being photographed looking fucking ridiculous.

According to Putin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, Seagal is “a well-known actor, which gave grounds to make him a Russian citizen.” But beyond the same justification given for the six or seven straight-to-video action movies Seagal makes every year, Russia had other reasons. The Michigan-born actor, Peskov says, “has been insistent for a …

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