Newswire: Police are investigating Ariana Grande’s seditious donut-licking

On a day that saw the New York Stock Exchange and one of the nation’s largest airlines felled by computer glitches, the frozen plains of Alaska burst into flames, thousands of birds mysteriously vanish from the Florida coastline, and sharks literally falling from the sky, another seeming harbinger of America’s imminent collapse reared its tiny head in an unassuming California bakery. Ariana Grande, the ironically pequeno pop singer created exclusively for Claire’s Accessories, was discovered to have licked a tray of donuts—America’s pastry—without paying for them with money—America’s money—before spitefully declaring, “I hate Americans. I hate America.” It was the perfect storm of environmental hazard, economic collapse, and celebrity treason, broadcast for all to see on TMZ, America’s TMZ.

In the video, Grande is seen approaching a tray of donuts left in the open air at Lake Elsinore’s Wolfee …

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