Newswire: Netflix refuses to cut it out, orders Full House sequel

After years of danger signs gave way to weeks of writing on the Facebook wall, Netflix has confirmed the identity of those shadowy figures waiting just around the bend. Everywhere you look this morning, you’ll read that the streaming service has ordered 13 episodes of Fuller House, a sequel to the popular ABC sitcom/preadolescent tranquilizer Full House. John Stamos, High Priest of Have Mercy, announced Fuller House‘s imminent arrival from the modern-day equivalent of Mount Sinai: The Jimmy Kimmel Live! couch. Despite skepticism from Stamos deniers, Fuller House does not appear to be a Jimmy Kimmel prank.

In the tradition of its predecessor, Fuller House will begin with a human sacrifice: The husband of an adult D.J. Tanner (Candace Cameron) dies, leaving her a widowed mother of two children, with one more on the way—just as foretold in the ancient texts guarded by Cousin Stavros …

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