Newswire: McDonald’s to reverse declining sales with more attractive Hamburglar

After months of trying to reverse sliding sales with corporate restructuring, experiments with customizable menus, and crowdsourcing ideas for how to interslice computational nuggets in the disrupting millennial shake-stream, McDonald’s has finally hit upon the key to its grand “turnaround plan”: The Hamburglar needs to be hotter. Today’s young people don’t want their beef thieves to be squat, hydrocephalic gingers with a mind as singular as their tooth. They want a handsome Jon Hammburglar. They crave a more proactive, multitasking, sexily stubbled, cross-fit sort of Hamburglar. They long for a hipper Hamburglar who “goes ham” as much as he burgles it.

“My desires are… unconventional,” this dream Hamburglar says.

“Show me,” they reply.

In one of those press statements that makes you reflect on your marketing degree and whether it was worth it—or whether you’d been better off pursuing a life of stealing hamburger sandwiches …

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