Newswire: “Let’s rebuild the Titanic,” says guy who’s apparently never seen the movie

Australian billionaire Clive Palmer has announced that he intends to build a replica of the Titanic and sail it on the ocean, as history’s proven that that’s the least safe place for a Titanic to be. A representative for Palmer’s company, Blue Star Line, says that the new ship—which is modeled as closely as possible on the famous accidental bathtub—will be updated with all the latest safety features, an assertion which comforted nobody because that’s what they said last time, and then it sank.

People are, of course, already lining up to take the 2018 maiden voyage on the Titanic II, because apparently James Cameron drowned all those poor extras for nothing in the making of his box office-smashing educational film. We can only hope that Palmer and his associates are smart enough to reinforce the ship’s bow—or put up some extra …

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