Newswire: Ken Bone has already ken-bonered his way out of America’s heart

This week, the bedraggled, accursed masses searching desperately for anything to enjoy about Sunday’s presidential quarrel were finally thrown a bone—a Ken Bone, the merry, mustachioed gentleman who briefly made being an undecided voter in the middle of goddamn October seem sort of huggable. Viewers sparked to Bone’s cheery red sweater and surname, a positively adorable euphemism for fucking. Hashtags were drafted. Halloween costumes were sold. Americans, hoarse from screaming at each other, suddenly had a lump in their throat, and its name was Ken Bone. And now, we are choking on it.

Bone’s rapid rise to viral fame received its official coronation Thursday, in the form of a Reddit “Ask Me Anything” session. Unfortunately, Bone made the fatal mistake of abandoning his beloved name to log in under his usual Reddit alias, “StanGibson15.” In addition to revealing that Bone is apparently a huge fan of …

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