Newswire: Justin Bieber is sorry for being Justin Bieber

After more than a year of the sort of pranks everyone gets up to in the terrible teens of 18 to 20—egging the neighbor’s house, pissing in the janitor’s mop bucket, spraying graffiti behind the local Brazil, punching your limo driver, smoking weed in your private plane, drunkenly drag-racing your Lamborghini and resisting arrest—Justin Bieber has finally put aside childish things and childish assault charges and spoken as a man does: to Ellen. The nation’s fun aunt—who’s had similarly successful, soft-spoken talking-tos with other boys the nation’s moms just can’t handle anymore, like Shia LaBeouf and Kanye West—had Bieber on her birthday show today, in which Bieber gave her the precious gift of his own self-awareness. It meant the most, because it was homemade.

Following his sunny mid-morning of the soul, Bieber later retired to have a long think in …

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