Newswire: Jerk-offs endorse Donald Trump

Next to cartoon frogs, Saturday Night Live impressions, emails, and actual political platforms, perhaps nothing has played a greater role in this presidential election than the poll, that infallible collection of incontrovertible statistical data that becomes completely meaningless the second it doesn’t support your side. Polls have been more important than ever this year—mostly because Donald Trump keeps bringing them up whenever he runs out of catchphrases. But also because the apparently razor-thin margins that separate Trump from Hillary Clinton continue to seesaw perilously on the hour, their vertiginous yawing just another reason you’ve felt like puking your guts out for a straight year now.

This season we’ve all heard from the corrupt, lying, Clinton-owned mainstream press and their “math,” and we’ve listened patiently while Nate Silver tries to wring another day’s content out of “Clinton will win—unless she doesn’t.” But today …

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