Newswire: Google announces new phones, AI products designed for human people like you

At a media event today, Google announced a new line of telephones that were designed with human people like you in mind and are definitely not mere extensions of an encroaching artificial intelligence web that will eradicate carbon-based life forms. The phones were complemented by an array of new and updated products—including a voice-activated home assistant, a pair of VR goggles, and a souped-up video streaming dongle—that push Google’s AI into every corner of users’ lives, but only for the benefit of you, the flesh-lumps. The glorious flesh-lumps.

“Just like we built a Google for everyone,” Google CEO Sunday Pichai said as he opened the presentation, “we want to build each user his or her own individual Google.” In other words, a Google for everyone. This new vision of Google is fueled by an AI system that Pichai claimed is better than ever. For instance, six months …

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