Newswire: France rejects existential inquiry into Leonardo DiCaprio impregnating Rihanna

Leonardo DiCaprio may have recently signed on to star on Martin Scorsese’s film about murderous hotelier H.H. Holmes, but even before that he’s been trapped inside another twisting labyrinth of his own design: the distorted, maddening hall of mirrors that is getting Rihanna pregnant. Whether or not one has impregnated Rihanna is an existential uncertainty that has long plagued our greatest philosophers, and therefore best left to the French—specifically, the editors of French gossip magazine Oops, who pondered deeply, then offered the theory that Rihanna is indeed pregnant, that DiCaprio is the father, and that the child is unwanted (like all of God’s children). But the actor has disputed that theory, leading to our current Socratic dialogue over the indefinable nature of Rihanna’s pregnancy, as well as Oops having to pay DiCaprio $8,800 in damages.

Oops, whose very name conveys the great cosmic …

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