Newswire: Diddy announces final world tour of very limited portion of the world

Liquor pitchman Sean “Diddy” Combs is returning to his roots as one of hip-hop’s greatest agree-ers, promising to lay down some old-school “uh-huhs” and “yeahs” on a world tour of a restricted area of the world. Combs made his announcement yesterday on Ellen, where the women who’d assembled on a weekday afternoon to watch Ellen DeGeneres be pleasant all agreed that a Diddy tour in the year 2015 is very exciting. They were also excited when he stood to adjust his shiny shirt.

After taking several shots of his Ciroc vodka—necessary to maintain his bloodstream’s balance of premium liquor and shameless self-promotion—Combs announced, “I’m gonna go and do a world tour.” And as he is currently busy with production work, managing his various entrepreneurial efforts, raising his children, and taking year-long bubble baths, this tour will be Diddy’s last ever—and his first …

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