Newswire: Damn it, Walmart just acquired my pants

Continuing an exceptionally thrilling day of corporations buying other corporations, Walmart has countered Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods with its own plan to purchase men’s retailer Bonobos for $310 million in cash. Pretty stupid, actually; if Walmart had just waited a week, Bonobos usually has a 40-percent-off sale.

Bonobos, esteemed maker of many of my pants, has become one of the most popular clothing brands on the internet since debuting 10 years ago, expanding from its initial focus on chinos into things that go with those chinos—such as shirts, and other shirts with fucking cockatoos on them that look good on maybe two people on Earth, and one of them is Weird Al. Even as other fashion outlets like J. Crew have seen diminishing returns of late, Bonobos is one of the few brands that continues to grow—around 30 percent year over year, Recode claims—by …

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