Newswire: Ariana Grande will not face criminal charges for licking donuts or hating America

At what was probably a dramatic, rain-soaked press conference on the steps of the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department in California, officials announced that Ariana Grande—the America-hating, donut-licking pop singer who became the most hated young woman in the world last week when she licked some donuts and said she hated America—will not be receiving any criminal charges for licking those donuts or saying she hates America. Though this incident will surely be written off by some members of the media as just another young person making a silly, young person mistake, true students of history will recognize this as another indication that the collapse of society as we know it is practically on our doorstep.

If we can all just march into a bakery, lick donuts, and declare our hatred of America, what’s stopping us from walking into Congress and doing the same? Or the White …

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