Great Job, Internet!: Sizzler’s forgotten bid to be “America’s choice” is terrifying

If you’re familiar with Sizzler, it’s probably as a chain of restaurants. But back in 1991, it had loftier plans. It’s not exactly clear what those plans were, but based a musical infomercial unearthed by Esquire, it either had something to do with running for national office or starting its own Scientology-like cult.

While Sizzler’s true intentions may be lost to the ages, there are a number of troubling clues that suggest an Orwellian attempt to enslave America under the yoke of false choice. Consider the evidence:

  1. The entire musical arrangement was likely the work of John Ashcroft.
  2. Young girls need to beware of predatory sea captains. You won’t find any of them at Sizzler.
  3. “Sizzler is the one who brings us choices.” The only one; never forget.
  4. While largely forgotten in our post-9/11 culture, in 1991, it was perfectly acceptable wear a generic …

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