Great Job, Internet!: Read This: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop festival featured face-slicing and frog venom

The promos for Gwyneth Paltrow’s In Goop Health conference sounded appropriately New Age awful, what with aura photography and sound baths and bone broth, with ticket prices starting at $500 for the all-day event. Brave reporter Maureen Callahan attended the L.A. event on Saturday and wrote it up for the New York Post so that none of us will even be tempted to attend a Gwyneth Paltrow conference ever again. Callahan leads with an awe-inspiring opening sentence:

Gwyneth Paltrow’s inaugural health-and-wellness summit on Saturday kicked off just as you’d expect: well-groomed women wearing yoga pants and expensive handbags hooking themselves up to IVs and oxygen tubes in a parking lot, experiences otherwise associated with the glamour of getting triaged at a disaster site.

Those gritty indicators only hinted at the horror inside, led off Paltrow’s first speaker, Dr. Habib Sadeghi, who “spoke for nearly 90 …

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