Cannes Film Festival: From Cannes, new films by Gaspar Noé, Paolo Sorrentino, and Takashi Miike

7:30 a.m. Downpour in Juan-Les-Pins. I am rained out of the first screening of Jacques Audiard’s Dheepan, which I will see tomorrow.

11:01 a.m. Paolo Sorrentino movies fracture early and often, but unlike the jigsaw-pile Youth (Grade: C-), they’re usually unified by a compellingly eccentric lead performance, be it Toni Servillo in Il Divo and The Great Beauty, or Sean Penn in This Must Be The Place. No such luck in this collection of half-baked Fellini-isms, in which a renowned composer and conductor (Michael Caine) mulls over an invitation to perform a royal birthday concert while staying at a Swiss health spa, where the guests include his daughter (Rachel Weisz), his filmmaker best friend (Harvey Keitel), a young movie star (Paul Dano, basically playing Shia LaBeouf), and a celebrity strongman with a Karl Marx tattoo on his back.

Unless slow-mo shots of sagging …

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